Foreign Being

There are so many crippling yet vital and fundamental realities to being born a lesbian, a woman, an African, a black person in a world as fragmented, as phobic and as patriarchal as this one.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt foreign.
Being a foreigner is a very disempowering and alienating feeling/position to occupy in the world.
It is like being born in the wrong body – or what I imagine that feels like.

It’s strange how when one is in the privileged position of heterosexuality, sexual orientation is not one’s core position of personal identification in the world.
As a lesbian I have felt foreign and alien to my environment, this has ramifications, I end up creating a distance/wall between me and THEM.
The people who I find myself being alienated from are the same people I share strong connections and bonds with, DNA strands that have effects like similar hair texture, tones of voice, nail shape, etc.

The idea that as a woman I am supposed to hold certain expectations of myself, that I am supposed to walk, talk, cover myself in a certain way.
The idea that as a woman I am supposed speak softer, be submissive, meek and obedient, press my knees together when I sit, keep silent when a more knowledgeable and testosterone charged person has an opinion to express and hold the male species of the human race in high esteem and regard is so alien to me.
I must be people-less, landless, tribe-less, childless, nameless, god-less, Bloodless, DNA-less, language-less and where necessary faceless, my only contribution to the world as a vessel of life.
Not only do these make me foreign to the world, they make the world foreign to me.

Being a black person in the world and from a ‘dark continent’ means that I have to accept the idea the world holds of me.
It means that where as an American or European feels that the universe is open and inviting and just ripe for the picking, the long waits in visa application queues and consequent rejection lead me to accept a part of myself that is not desirable to others.
While others take entitlement for granted, I take my undesirability for granted.
As a black person, I take my poverty for granted, I take my anger for granted, I take my history of oppression for granted, I take the misinformation and stereotypical representation of my race for granted. I actually believe that history could not have unfolded any differently.
The consequences of chronic disempowerment are many and varied.
Where as one might take their first look in the eyes of the world and see blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, desirable, necessary, vital, important, I have to look deeper to sell what I have.
Where as one takes one look into the eyes of the world and sees male, strong, important, APPROVED, empowered, yes, affirmed, vital, I have to dig deep to sell my qualities to the world, I have to search for qualities that may have been missed and present these in a voice that is loud and clear.
Where as one looks into the eyes of the world and sees heterosexual, natural, normal, expected, accepted, APPROVED, necessary, needed, Christian, African, yes, nod, wink, want, affirmed, I look up from my bent head of shame to see a lack of recognition, I don’t see faces, I see parts of heads turned away from me, side lines….., aversion.

Bottom line, walking the world as a foreigner on so many levels of one’s core identifying attributes and then actually living as a “foreigner” makes me vulnerable.
It means that I can not feel entitled in anyway, I can not feel that my marriage is a right, a natural occurrence, or my need for service is earned, when I stand in a line and wait for everything too long, I do not feel that I have the right to claim space and speak out or complain because I don’t feel like I own that space in the first place.


Married life

How is married life?

lesbian married life
Love,light and laughter
This is a question I have been answering a lot since October 20th 2012.

A sense of shared destiny.

The idea that we are doing this together ( I will stay with you - John Legend )

The fact that we are a family that is recognised and respected under the law is just too awesome.

What I love about being married.

The best thing about married life for me – and this is why it is a crime against humanity to deny gay people marriage - is going to sleep and waking up next to and with Toni. In fact I find it impossible to sleep when she’s not in bed with me.

I also love to shout out to her when in the bathroom and out of soap, tissue or towel and she will deliver, this is probably one of the best aspects of married life.
I suppose it can also be seen as a metaphor…

I love the fact that Toni will give me my vitamins and whatever other concoction she makes me take in the mornings – she’s good with medication so I don’t really keep up. I love that when I am sick, I will wait for her to figure out which meds I should take and when – she probably doesn’t enjoy this part as much as I do.

I love that she knows to turn down the volume of the TV when the adverts come on, as it drives me crazy for some reason; it’s just awesome sharing a life with someone who knows you that way.

But the most awesome part about being married is always having a date, my days of attacking life solo are so not missed, Coming home to a human woman that I know, love and trust makes life much much easier to take on.

Oh I love shopping with my wife, she enjoys it better than I do but if I’m going shopping then it should be with her, especially grocery shopping. While she gets fruit, I look for drinks, as she stands at one queue I hunt around for a shorter one, etc. Together the shopping experience becomes easier, for me anyway.

I could probably go on and on and still not feel like I am getting the message across properly, but to put it simply, I love having someone to walk through life with and must say that I chose an awesome human woman for it.

We live in an age of knowledge yet exist in the world very basically and instinctually - the same way that a cave person in the middle ages would I presume have existed in the world, with great caution and fear of the unknown.
Throughout the history of the world, groups of people have used whatever weapons at their disposal – religious, tribal, cultural, traditional, racial, sexual – you name it, to marginalise and limit the rights of other sometimes smaller but mostly less powerful/equipped/able groups.
At this point in human evolution, you’d think that it would be clear to everyone by now that the oppressed will rise. I think homophobes have a few years of grace left before the world tilts on it’s axis for them, because the best thing about knowledge is that it is power, liberation and emancipation and one can only keep their head in the sand for so long.




Was that the last I heard from her?

10 October 2011 

was the first day I met her. I knew her before this day but just not personally. She seemed too strict and serious. Didn't laugh a lot and hung with people I refer to as 'top dogs'. You see those elites and very choosy. "I just wanna say hi" My friend said. She had a crush on her and really I didn't see what's there to give her sleepless nights. "ugh come on Lesego like really now" I rolled my eyes. "Just hold this and don't blink, I'll be back" she walked over to them and they talked, the next thing a hug was flashed. "Come say hi" Lesego waved at me. I spun fast and acted as if I didn't see or hear anything. As I was facing the other sway I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Keng otshaba batho?" She said. 'Pssst' my sub raised her eyebrow. "Come on, just a hug" she hugged me and damn I didn't wanna let go. The scent on her neck, oh my... "Was that hard?" She interrupted my reverie. I couldn't bring myself to look her on the face. "Enjoy the rest of your day" she walked away and Lesego came. "I thought I was the one crushing on her" she said. "Ofcourse you are" I snapped and walked away. Months went by and the crush was starting to fade since I haven't been seeing much of her and I heard she was getting engaged. 

Not that I thought she and I was gonna elope blah blah....Okay maybe the thought did cross my mind once or twice or maybe thrice but it was just wishful thinking. Obviously I'm not her type etc.

On Feb the 13th 2013

 I met her again in the morning around 11. This time she was alone. I was sitting in the bar minding my own business when I heard a voice behind me. "What is a beautiful lady like u doing in a place like this?"

'How lame' I thought. "How can a charming lady like you come up with a lame line like that?" I said and we laughed. "I'm Mbali" she pulled her hand out to shake mine. "Khumo" we shook hands. "Shouldn't you be preparing for tomorrow?" She asked. "What's the to prepare for?" I huffed. "Hello! It's valentine's" she said. "So? I don't even get worked up on my own birthday so why should I bother on valentine's?" I said. "Whoever you're dating is wrong for u, for giving you that kinda mentality" she said. "Ja she was,that's why we didn't work" I said 'but tell that to my heart' my sub added. "I'm sorry to hear that" She said. "Want a refill?" She added. "I should probably go I've been here since 9.am" I said as I stood. "Just few more minutes... please" she pleaded. "Okay, one drink" I sat back down. "Bartender" she yelled. I watched her give our orders, a real charmer and very sweet so far.

"So how long has it been?" She asked after talking to the bartender catching me staring at her side bands. I quickly looked away. "Pardon?" I asked. "How long have u been single?" I couldn't have said for a month, that might have given her the impression that I'm not over my ex, which is true but I can't just come out and say it. "2 months now" I know it's still close but is the first thing that came to my mind. "That's soon, you can still work things out" she said. "I doubt" I said. "Why? Was the break up that bad?" She seemed too concerned for my liking. 'I burnt her clothes,crashed her laptop and almost killed her and her mistress how's that for bad?' My sub said. "Yes it was" I said. "You sound like a trouble maker ko facebook but certainly don't look like one now" she said. "You read my statuses?" I almost jumped but thank God I only did it inside. "All the time" she said. 'Oh my' my sub fainted. "I must say, the things u say are pretty hectic" she added and I blushed. She looked at the watch on her wrist. "I have to go" it was nice chatting to u" 

'Please don't go, please' my sub was on her knees. "You gonna be good right?" She asked as she stood. 'No I'm gonna shoot myself If u walk out that door' my sub said. "Yes, I'll be fine thanks" I said, we hugged and she left.

Written by Diopelo The-Firstlady King.